Michael began using drugs at the age of 15, shortly after we moved to Sioux Falls, by the age of 16 he had been arrested for possession of pot, by the age of 17 he had completed 2 thirty day drug and alcohol inpatient programs and gone through boot camp in Custer, SD. By the age of 18 he had returned to inpatient treatment and completed another 30 day program. After completion of these programs, Michael tried very hard to stay clean and work his programs, but the drugs again took control of his life, and he began using.
MIchael began by smoking pot, drinking and then went to stronger drugs, snorting meth and doing acid. From there, he began smoking meth and finally he was using needles, shooting meth.
I watched Michael slowly killing himself, going from a happy carefree teen to an angry, sometimes even violent stranger. At times I could not believe he was the same child. his circle of friends changed, he lost interest in all the things he used to love. The closeness that we all once shared was going, I fought and fought to pull him back, but again the addiction had it's hold.
Meth is by far the most addictive drug and also so easily obtained. Any one can find it, any one can use and become addicted. There is no person who is immune to addiction. Of course if you ask an addict who is using, they will definitely tell you that they can quit at any time they choose, they just choose not to. Bull! Do they really like what they are doing and feeling? At first they may! But once they have truly become addicted to the drug, the answer is no.
In Dec. 1999, Michael and Christine were engaged and expecting a baby. By this time Michael was further into the drug world than ever before, he was now dealing. Of course, me being the optimistic person I am, kept hoping and praying that the baby would make him wake up, make him stop. I was so wrong. By now the drugs had complete and total control of Michael, as much as he wanted to stop as much as he hated how he felt and what this was doing to him, he needed help, but would not admit it and now that he was 18, an adult, I as his mother could not force him back into treatment, it had to be his decision to go this time. He continued to use and continued to deal. Always he had excuses, like..I will stop after the baby gets here..I'm going to have my fun now, while I still can, I'll have to be responsible soon enough. Michael's first son, David Michael was born Aug. 14, 2000. Michael, Christine and Baby David were living at home with me. 2 weeks after David was born, I gave Michael the choice, he either stopped using, stopped dealing or he could not stay in my home. It was the hardest decision I ever had to make, but I could not continue to put myself, my son, my daughter and now my grandson's lives in danger anymore. Michael chose to leave.
Christine and Baby David continued to live at home with me until Christine found an apartment and she and Baby David moved. Soon....... Christine was also back to using again.
In Nov. 2000 Michael and his roommates were robbed at gunpoint. The story is that it was over a drug debt. 2 weeks later, the night before Thanksgiving, Michael and his 2 roommates were busted for possesion of a cotrolled substance, distribution of a controlled substance, and maintaining a dwelling where drugs were used or sold. In the middle of the bust, Brock, Michael's brother came over to see him. Barely 14 years old and he had to witness a drug bust, his own brothers. Michael was in jail with a 25,000 cash only bond set. Baby David's first Thanksgiving and his daddy was not with him, his daddy was in jail.
Michael did get released on 25,000 cash bond, I and the rest of my family thought we were doing the right thing. Sure that Michael had learned his lesson, sure that Michael now saw what drugs were doing to destroy his life, to destroy his families lives, to destroy his sons life. Again, the addiction was stronger than anything and again took over. They continued to use, more and more, both Michael and Christine.
In February 2001, Michael and Christine got evicted from their apartment and moved in with people they knew, living in a dumpy basement, no water, sleeping on the floor, raising a baby in that horrible environment. How could they not see what was happening in their lives, how could they not see where they were headed?
On May 25th , 2001 Michael again got busted, 5 felonies, possession, distribution, possession of a firearm, etc. So.he was back in jail. Christine and Baby David moved out and into my father's house. Michael finally called asking for help, begging for help, begging for me to help Christine. At the end of June we finally got the judge to go along with letting Michael go through treatment again. He went to Keystone in Canton for the 3rd time. I still could not convince Christine to go through treatment, she believed she could do it on her own. Unfortunately, she continued to use.....
On July 13th , 2001, Michael and Christine were married while he was in treatment. Michael believed it would help him in court if he was married, settled down. On July 19th, 2001 Michael's second son, Jordan, was born. The mother was a girl that Michael had gotten involved with when he had moved out right after David was born. A young girl who Michael loved very deeply, but could not be with because of the age difference. Michael completed his treatment, but had to return to jail. He continue to work his program, going to NA meetings daily. He had a very positive attitude and truly wanted to make it this time. He was released from jail 3 weeks before his sentencing, which was on Sept. 13, 2001. In those 3 weeks, he began using with Christine again. It's pretty hard to stay clean when the person you are with continues to use....But it was still his choice...
On September 7th, Michael and his oldest son David rode to Custer with me to pick up Brock, he had finished boot camp. He only had one night home with us before he had to be in Keystone for another 30 day inpatient program.
On September 13th, 2001, Michael had his sentencing hearing. We had expected bad, but what we heard was more than we had imagined. Michael was sentenced to 2 10 year sentences, he would be eligible for parole in 3 ½ years. The judge gave Michael 5 days before he had to turn himself in to begin his sentence.
On Sunday, September 16th, 2001, Michael, Christine and David came with me to Keystone to visit Brock. It was very emotional. Michael had to say goodbye to his brother. He would be leaving in 2 days to begin his prison sentence.
Brock was devastated, he did not know how he could make it without his big brother there for him when he came home. Michael was all Brock has ever had other than me. I of course, did my best to reassure him that Michael would be home soon, and things would be different, both the boys lives would be different, they would be clean, they would live normal lives.
Tuesday September 18th, the day Michael was due to turn himself in, the day we had all been dreading for so long, it was here. Michael, Christine and David came over to see me at 7:30 that evening, Michael cried in my arms, I have never seen such fear, I have never seen such pain. It all caught up with him, the years of drugs, the dealing drugs, it had all caught up with him. We talked we cried, we hugged, I did all I could to reassure him everything would be ok again. At 8:30 they left to take him to the jail, Michael's son, David stayed with me, we sat we rocked and watched out the window waiting for his mommy to come get him, to tell me Michael was in jail on his way to prison. At 11:45 PM, there was a knock on my door, when I answered it, there were 2 police officers there, I immediately panicd, thinking, oh my god he ran, they were looking for him. But that is not what they were there for, they were there to tell me that my son, my baby boy, had shot himself. Drugs had not only taken over his life, but had taken his life.
I was with Michael when he died, 3 hours after he had shot himself in the head with a 12 gauge shotgun. I saw my son take his first breath at 11:30 pm May 16th, 1981 and I saw my son take his last breath at 1:50 am September 19th, 2001.
I would like to leave this message with all of you , to the parents, be there for your children, listen to them, listen to the songs they listen too. I have learned so much from my son's music, it is a way of expressing what they are feeling. If your son or daughter is using drugs, or you suspect they are, do not ever stop trying to help them, no matter how many times they need to be sent to treatment, no matter how much you feel they will not forgive you. Sometimes the clues they are giving us are their cries for help. Remember this, even when they are away from us, they are not only getting the help they need to stay clean, they are safe, they are alive.
With how it all ended with my son Michael, I can at least live with the fact that I did all that was in my power to help him. And I am still doing all that is in my power to help Brock.
Communication between us as parents and you as children, that is what is important. We as parents need to try to be understanding and if we don't understand, we need to find ways to learn and understand. We cannot be judgemental of what our children may do, we can only try to understand and always be there for them, let them know our love is unconditional. Separate the addict from the person. As children, you need to try to find a way to communicate with your parents, to try to help us understand.
Brock, Michael's brother, is also a meth addict, I will do all I can from letting this disease, this drug, take another one of my children from me. Brock has spent his life following in his big brothers footsteps. This is one time I can't let him do as his big brother did!!!!!
To the young people here, remember this, even if getting high seems like it helps you cope, it doesn't, it ultimately makes everything you are trying to run from worse. Like Michael's poems say, it even takes your soul. There is always someone out there for you to turn to when you need to talk, when you need help. Remember my son's story, maybe Michael's death has a meaning, a purpose to show you where the road leads, he would not want anyone of you or anyone else to go through all that he went through, there was a time it all seemed glamorous to him, the lifestyle, the fun, the money, but look at where he is now, none of it was worth losing his life for. It is not worth you or anyone you know losing their life, either physically or emotionally.
